Self Judgment
Judgment comes from our experiences, from the way we view the world, comes from our "beliefs" that we have learned and ultimately hold as our truths. Wouldn't it be beautiful if we could release the judgment we hold in our heads, especially the judgment we place on ourselves.
I've been traveling down a path that was carefully orchestrated just for me. I created it and when it became mundane or boring I added more. Picture a path in the middle of a beautiful open space. At the beginning it starts just like the yellow brick road in "The Wizard of Oz" (I relate to the lion.....another blog :) ). It is beautiful, big, and seems to go on forever. There are portions of the road when I look further down the road where it seems to vanish (I know now those are the dips in my journey). I can see a beautiful light, rainbow (I love rainbows.....they are magical) and the beauty from the light helps me continue. I made sure the light came from above so even when the dips were really long and seemed to go down, at times like going to the depths of hell, I could just lift my head up and see if even a glimmer, I could see the light. If I could see the light, even a piece of it, I could close my eyes and feel the warmth and beauty of both the light and rainbow and eventually pull myself up and continue to reach the hill where I could bask in the light and rejuvenate.
So just like everyone else, I started out on my journey totally oblivious to everything in store for me, but happy to experience. Being much older and wiser now, I can see that my soul was equipped with all it needed, however my ego had a mind of its own and it constantly berated, judged, and compared itself to everything around it. I was like a magnet watching others on their journey and recognizing both the good and bad. However, I took the bad and placed everything that seemed painful and scary in a bag and threw it over my shoulder as I went on. The bag became heavy and eventually I had to hold it in front of me with both hands to carry it with me. Never realizing the bag developed a hole in it as i at times drug it along. The fear I placed in this bag was now providing the prickly thorns I would continue to step on along the way. Instead of taking the time to sit down and remove the thorns, I continued on, figuring if they stayed in my feet I wouldn't repeat the experience that caused the pain. This helped me in my "self judgment" that I would also put in my bag and add to as I went down this path. Eventually the bag became so full I couldn't see anything else.
By the time I reached the half mark of my journey I finally put the big bag down and instead of looking to the light, I turned around and started looking at where I came from and everything that I went through on that journey. I realized it was time to open that big bag and start to analyze what was in it. The road behind me twisted, had huge valleys, seemed to flatten out at times, and veered off into the trees many times. It was beaten, dusty and I could see the worn parts the places I found myself walking through time and time again. There were so many places that were darker than others and I could see some of those areas had another path intertwined in them. At each of these dark places in my path I could see the path that led me away from the dark and into the light again. A calming feeling, I sent gratitude for each one. I have felt beaten, tired and at times like I just wanted to give up, so it makes sense why I am taking the time now to sit and feel what I've carried for so long and try to understand it. I don't want to keep dragging this heavy bag with me. I tried just leaving it and stomping onward.......that didn't work. Without the bag I was even more frightened, I mean hell that is where all of my experiences and knowledge was and if I didn't carry it with me I would truly fail on my own. So it wasn't long before I went back and picked it up AGAIN.
As I look back I do so now with the same courage that the Cowardly Lion found, the courage that was always inside of me. I look back alone and as I open the bag and slowly pull out each fear, judgment, belief.......I listen with my heart and soul and evaluate each one and recognize the way they shaped my experience, held me stuck and realize I have the right to appreciate them and discard them. Funny as I get older I understand what selective memory is, yet when I look back on my journey I see myself at the age of seven, I know now that is the age that the word "abandonment" came into my existence. I had no idea at the age of seven this word would grip me like it did and hold me captive to my desires and make me act the way I did for so long. Abandonment caused me to worry, fear, practice the "get them before they get me" mentality, settle, accepting less than. Unknowingly I was creating a moist breeding ground for my fear and it showed up daily, it found a place right up front in my mind and it took over. I can't even express the feelings and thoughts that I lived with day in and day out. I use to wish my secret power was to become invisible but still able to watch others and route them on from the sidelines. However, my soul had a different idea, this is the reason I also have a BIG personality. My soul is loving, kind, compassionate, strong, afraid of nothing and loves to build others up......total contrast to my ego which is fearful, feels ugly, always wanting to prove itself, untrusting, and angry. My ego taps into my big personality at times hooks itself to the BIG part and then the negatives which are my ego magnify. This has caused me great pain, but recognizing is the first step to change right?
Since I started the journey of really looking at my experience and trying to understand it instead of being mad at it, I've come to understand that we all are really souls on a physical journey and that life wasn't meant to hold onto it was meant to experience and move on, like a huge buffet. Some things we will like others not so much. Because of this I have learned that I can't be abandoned, nothing can ever be taken from me, because nothing was ever mine in the first place. It makes moving on down the rest of my journey more exciting.
I left the bag this time and while sometimes I feel nervous and wonder if I should go back and take one or two judgments along with me, I realize I have truly shifted and am totally equipped to "experience" anything. I also know that the rest of my life is meant for creation not for the prickly thorns I've been walking on for so long. On this part of my journey, I will use the love in my soul to heal my pain which will strengthen my body to move through unscathed. I recognize that my soul may need to have that "hard talk" with my ego every now and again. But this time, I allow my soul to take the wheel, throw my ego in the back and let it go for the ride.
Life doesn't have to be scary when lived in gratitude and respect!! xoxoxo
I've been traveling down a path that was carefully orchestrated just for me. I created it and when it became mundane or boring I added more. Picture a path in the middle of a beautiful open space. At the beginning it starts just like the yellow brick road in "The Wizard of Oz" (I relate to the lion.....another blog :) ). It is beautiful, big, and seems to go on forever. There are portions of the road when I look further down the road where it seems to vanish (I know now those are the dips in my journey). I can see a beautiful light, rainbow (I love rainbows.....they are magical) and the beauty from the light helps me continue. I made sure the light came from above so even when the dips were really long and seemed to go down, at times like going to the depths of hell, I could just lift my head up and see if even a glimmer, I could see the light. If I could see the light, even a piece of it, I could close my eyes and feel the warmth and beauty of both the light and rainbow and eventually pull myself up and continue to reach the hill where I could bask in the light and rejuvenate.
So just like everyone else, I started out on my journey totally oblivious to everything in store for me, but happy to experience. Being much older and wiser now, I can see that my soul was equipped with all it needed, however my ego had a mind of its own and it constantly berated, judged, and compared itself to everything around it. I was like a magnet watching others on their journey and recognizing both the good and bad. However, I took the bad and placed everything that seemed painful and scary in a bag and threw it over my shoulder as I went on. The bag became heavy and eventually I had to hold it in front of me with both hands to carry it with me. Never realizing the bag developed a hole in it as i at times drug it along. The fear I placed in this bag was now providing the prickly thorns I would continue to step on along the way. Instead of taking the time to sit down and remove the thorns, I continued on, figuring if they stayed in my feet I wouldn't repeat the experience that caused the pain. This helped me in my "self judgment" that I would also put in my bag and add to as I went down this path. Eventually the bag became so full I couldn't see anything else.
By the time I reached the half mark of my journey I finally put the big bag down and instead of looking to the light, I turned around and started looking at where I came from and everything that I went through on that journey. I realized it was time to open that big bag and start to analyze what was in it. The road behind me twisted, had huge valleys, seemed to flatten out at times, and veered off into the trees many times. It was beaten, dusty and I could see the worn parts the places I found myself walking through time and time again. There were so many places that were darker than others and I could see some of those areas had another path intertwined in them. At each of these dark places in my path I could see the path that led me away from the dark and into the light again. A calming feeling, I sent gratitude for each one. I have felt beaten, tired and at times like I just wanted to give up, so it makes sense why I am taking the time now to sit and feel what I've carried for so long and try to understand it. I don't want to keep dragging this heavy bag with me. I tried just leaving it and stomping onward.......that didn't work. Without the bag I was even more frightened, I mean hell that is where all of my experiences and knowledge was and if I didn't carry it with me I would truly fail on my own. So it wasn't long before I went back and picked it up AGAIN.
As I look back I do so now with the same courage that the Cowardly Lion found, the courage that was always inside of me. I look back alone and as I open the bag and slowly pull out each fear, judgment, belief.......I listen with my heart and soul and evaluate each one and recognize the way they shaped my experience, held me stuck and realize I have the right to appreciate them and discard them. Funny as I get older I understand what selective memory is, yet when I look back on my journey I see myself at the age of seven, I know now that is the age that the word "abandonment" came into my existence. I had no idea at the age of seven this word would grip me like it did and hold me captive to my desires and make me act the way I did for so long. Abandonment caused me to worry, fear, practice the "get them before they get me" mentality, settle, accepting less than. Unknowingly I was creating a moist breeding ground for my fear and it showed up daily, it found a place right up front in my mind and it took over. I can't even express the feelings and thoughts that I lived with day in and day out. I use to wish my secret power was to become invisible but still able to watch others and route them on from the sidelines. However, my soul had a different idea, this is the reason I also have a BIG personality. My soul is loving, kind, compassionate, strong, afraid of nothing and loves to build others up......total contrast to my ego which is fearful, feels ugly, always wanting to prove itself, untrusting, and angry. My ego taps into my big personality at times hooks itself to the BIG part and then the negatives which are my ego magnify. This has caused me great pain, but recognizing is the first step to change right?
Since I started the journey of really looking at my experience and trying to understand it instead of being mad at it, I've come to understand that we all are really souls on a physical journey and that life wasn't meant to hold onto it was meant to experience and move on, like a huge buffet. Some things we will like others not so much. Because of this I have learned that I can't be abandoned, nothing can ever be taken from me, because nothing was ever mine in the first place. It makes moving on down the rest of my journey more exciting.
I left the bag this time and while sometimes I feel nervous and wonder if I should go back and take one or two judgments along with me, I realize I have truly shifted and am totally equipped to "experience" anything. I also know that the rest of my life is meant for creation not for the prickly thorns I've been walking on for so long. On this part of my journey, I will use the love in my soul to heal my pain which will strengthen my body to move through unscathed. I recognize that my soul may need to have that "hard talk" with my ego every now and again. But this time, I allow my soul to take the wheel, throw my ego in the back and let it go for the ride.
Life doesn't have to be scary when lived in gratitude and respect!! xoxoxo
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