Self-Acceptance

Have you ever wanted to fit in so badly, you lose yourself completely?  

My desire for acceptance started as far back as when I was 7.  I wanted the acceptance from my brother.  I would beg to go fishing and hunting with him and my dad.  My father always let me go, however my brother NEVER embraced the idea and teased me endlessly.  By the time I was in the sixth grade, not only was I striving to get the best grades (just like him), but I was playing every “boy” sport there was to participate in.  I became a tom boy and it was then that I started to lose myself.  In the 7^th grade, I cut my waist length hair to my shoulders and after my father saw it, he wouldn’t speak to me for days.  Little did I know the effect the two most important men in my life would have on me, by the age of 13, neither accepted me and that is when I believed I was not enough.  I have dealt with countless men who have  put me down, threatened, harassed, told me I'm not enough, sexualized me, treated me as though I was second best, all the while calling me a bitch whenever I would stand up for myself.  Therefore, my bitchiness was usually focused on women (this was due to comparison...another topic :) ).  I would spend the next 40 years trying to fit in and be accepted by men and continually feel “less than” all the while living in fear.  I am a passionate thinker who feels best expressing my emotions, yet learned at a very young age my emotions were not handled well or at all by men and I quickly started acting as a “hard ass”.  While this served me well at times, it was a lonely mask I wore and I would wish silently that I could be vulnerable and state how I felt and still be accepted.  I just wanted to be me.  The bitch in me took over and protected the little girl that never felt like she was enough.  I have come to realize that the asshole in me wasn’t bringing me what I wanted in life.  I am working hard on letting the girl in me, the one with dreams, desires, emotions, passion and strength to finally start experiencing life without the need for acceptance from anyone.  It is time for me to be happy and proud of who I am and not for who I believe others want me to be.