SIGNS
I am a true believer in signs. They are all around us providing us strength, assurance, or just comfort. I use to ask for signs almost on a daily basis and they would end up popping up in the most random places. Feathers, butterflies, dragon flies are very popular signs and when they are around spirit it surrounding you.
I recently received a sign in the mail from a very dear friend....keys. The minute I saw them, before I read the letter, I knew they had a significant meaning and I knew it was my responsibility to figure it out. So I sat in a quiet place with my cup of coffee, keys in hand and asked what I was supposed to learn or accept..........the answer actually freed me from a few weeks (okay months) of negative living. For years I have been asked by so many how to let things go, how to change your mind and believe it, how to move forward when you feel stuck. My answer was basically always the same, change your way of thinking to positive thoughts and stay with them as much as possible. Well let me tell you after the past month or so, I have found that my advice was easier said than done. Here I was struggling with past decisions, future decisions and where I am right now and I didn't know how to live my own advice. Until the keys came....they helped bring clarity that I was searching for. So I decided to share the painful journey hoping that my experience will help you in some way.
The one thing I know for certain is our current way of living, responding to situations or people stems from our past, but I think the "key" is in the way we look at our past. I was looking at my past through adult eyes, so I was rationalizing and stating things matter of fact. This time I looked at the situation as I did when I was 13, vulnerable, unsure, insecure and lost. I found as I sat and looked at my life I really began writing my story of who I thought I was in the 7th grade. I started my first year of junior high with acne, boobs, and weight that wasn't acceptable to me. I struggled with my self esteem and as I listened to my 13 year old tell me who I was, I began to understand that I saw those traits and I believed them. I allowed them to write my story for me. I continued my thinking as a 14 year old, 15 year old and so on. I eventually worked up to the 17 year old, the age I was when I first remember really experiencing betrayal and I had no idea how to handle it.........but it had a huge and lasting impression on me. If you are still reading this (first thank you) this is what I experienced and felt....while I was re-living my childhood I was doing so and recalling the emotions, they were so strong I could actually feel it in my body.
By now after years of going to the dermatologist my acne had stopped (I was one of the first patients my doctor put on Acutane......it cured my acne), but the scars of the emotional pain I felt were still there. I had grown into my boobs and now pretty much all the girls had them, but my embarrassment had just been locked away, never dealt with. I also had a best friend since the eighth grade. And when I say best friend I mean the one person in my life I shared everything with, the one person I spent all of my time with and the one person I trusted with everything. She was naturally skinny and could pretty much wear anything. I wasn't so lucky, I was not happy with my body and I blamed my boobs for not being able to borrow her clothes, but it was my stomach that was my problem. I didn't want others to notice and make fun of me so I figured the best way to divert their attention was to give them the answer upfront...my big boobs. She was blond and I was a brunette, therefore she was pretty and I was the second best and I settled for that number.
Through a friend of the family, I was invited to a party, of course I would go and bring my bestie. We arrived at the party and it is there that I met and fell head over heels for a boy. For the next few months, my bestie and I would go four-wheeling with this boy and his friends. He and I went to the movies, hung out at his house and I knew he was the one. The weekends were saved for our friends, I went out with my bestie, he went with his friends and we would eventually meet up somewhere. I can't recall a weekend where she and I weren't together and then it happened. It was a Saturday, I spoke to her in the morning like everyday and we ended the conversation with call me later and we will figure out what we are going to do tonight. I began calling around 4:00 and didn't stop calling until 10:00. She wasn't home and her parents didn't know who she went with, they thought maybe her cousin.
I became 17 again and I remember that night, I remember the knot in my gut, my mind racing trying earnestly to figure out what I said or did that made her so mad, she would leave me. She had never done this, never. I remember crying, walking the house. I walked up to her house, the house was dark and I remember standing out front so scared, so lost, so hurt. I eventually had no choice but to go home and go to bed. I watched myself sob in my bed, as I remember this painful event. I remember thinking of walking the halls of the school by myself, having no one. I remember telling myself I would apologize over and over again to her when I saw her next, yet had no idea what I would be apologizing for, but I couldn't lose her.
The next day I called first thing, no one answered. I hung up and thought oh God I hope I don't have to go through this again all day, I didn't think I could do it. I was numb as the morning seemed to drag on. Finally the phone rang and she was on the other end. After we sat in silence for 20 minutes, she said in a very unemotional tone, I might as well tell you before someone else does, I was with your boyfriend last night and he just dropped me off. Now that's the story and while I could look at it and say how awful, no wonder I have trust issues, no wonder I have walls up, I was looking for the cause not the outcome. Hell I had been living the outcome for 30 plus years. So I allowed myself back in that hell and I realized that solidified in my mind that I was second best, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy of something I desired and that is how I continued to live my life. Always wanting more, but never believing I deserved it. Believing I deserved to have what others told me I was worth.
It is what has made me so afraid of losing things in life, so I either run before someone can hurt me that bad again or I settle in my mind and heart, wishing for more, but allowing my negative thoughts to assure me I'll never have it, I can have seconds. You see that pain was never dealt with, I allowed those thoughts to consume me and then I locked them away to guide me through life.
After sitting with my "keys" I have unlocked that part in my life and realize there is more to the story and that I have the ability to re-write the ending. Yes I begged for her friendship and as trying as it was I continued to hang out with her for a few weeks yearning for it to go back to the way it was, even accepting and hanging with her and him (for two weeks-that's all it lasted). That is where the anger crept into my heart with the pain, because I still really liked him (or so I thought). Eventually, summer ended and it was time for me to go back to school (my best friend was a year older than me so she was out of school) and I was sitting in the house waiting for my mother so we could go school shopping when I looked outside and he was pulling into my driveway. It was 11:00 he didn't leave until 10:00 that evening. We dated from that day on for nine months. My friendship ended and never re-ignited.
I now have re-written the ending......I wasn't second best, I was enough, I was worthy, I could make it alone, I was strong. He didn't stay longer because he wasn't there for life he was there to teach me. While it sounds horrible and believe me living it was, I see I created it. I set it up all unknowing to me. I believed I was second best to her and he unwittingly validated that. I walked through it the best I could and tried to deal becoming stronger and determined not to live in her shadow anymore (that I believe was more out of anger and hurt), but whatever it was I began slowly believing in me, since I was all that was left and when I became more important to me, he came back to reassure me that I was worthy of what I want.
If I'm really honest I wasn't ever in love with him, but I was in love in the beginning of thinking maybe I wasn't second best to her. I didn't believe it enough, that is what brought about the betrayal. My new way of telling that story......I BELIEVE I am worthy of anything, I do not need to compare myself to others and I do believe in second chances, they may just be trying to teach YOU something.
THANK YOU FOR THE KEYS.
I recently received a sign in the mail from a very dear friend....keys. The minute I saw them, before I read the letter, I knew they had a significant meaning and I knew it was my responsibility to figure it out. So I sat in a quiet place with my cup of coffee, keys in hand and asked what I was supposed to learn or accept..........the answer actually freed me from a few weeks (okay months) of negative living. For years I have been asked by so many how to let things go, how to change your mind and believe it, how to move forward when you feel stuck. My answer was basically always the same, change your way of thinking to positive thoughts and stay with them as much as possible. Well let me tell you after the past month or so, I have found that my advice was easier said than done. Here I was struggling with past decisions, future decisions and where I am right now and I didn't know how to live my own advice. Until the keys came....they helped bring clarity that I was searching for. So I decided to share the painful journey hoping that my experience will help you in some way.
The one thing I know for certain is our current way of living, responding to situations or people stems from our past, but I think the "key" is in the way we look at our past. I was looking at my past through adult eyes, so I was rationalizing and stating things matter of fact. This time I looked at the situation as I did when I was 13, vulnerable, unsure, insecure and lost. I found as I sat and looked at my life I really began writing my story of who I thought I was in the 7th grade. I started my first year of junior high with acne, boobs, and weight that wasn't acceptable to me. I struggled with my self esteem and as I listened to my 13 year old tell me who I was, I began to understand that I saw those traits and I believed them. I allowed them to write my story for me. I continued my thinking as a 14 year old, 15 year old and so on. I eventually worked up to the 17 year old, the age I was when I first remember really experiencing betrayal and I had no idea how to handle it.........but it had a huge and lasting impression on me. If you are still reading this (first thank you) this is what I experienced and felt....while I was re-living my childhood I was doing so and recalling the emotions, they were so strong I could actually feel it in my body.
By now after years of going to the dermatologist my acne had stopped (I was one of the first patients my doctor put on Acutane......it cured my acne), but the scars of the emotional pain I felt were still there. I had grown into my boobs and now pretty much all the girls had them, but my embarrassment had just been locked away, never dealt with. I also had a best friend since the eighth grade. And when I say best friend I mean the one person in my life I shared everything with, the one person I spent all of my time with and the one person I trusted with everything. She was naturally skinny and could pretty much wear anything. I wasn't so lucky, I was not happy with my body and I blamed my boobs for not being able to borrow her clothes, but it was my stomach that was my problem. I didn't want others to notice and make fun of me so I figured the best way to divert their attention was to give them the answer upfront...my big boobs. She was blond and I was a brunette, therefore she was pretty and I was the second best and I settled for that number.
Through a friend of the family, I was invited to a party, of course I would go and bring my bestie. We arrived at the party and it is there that I met and fell head over heels for a boy. For the next few months, my bestie and I would go four-wheeling with this boy and his friends. He and I went to the movies, hung out at his house and I knew he was the one. The weekends were saved for our friends, I went out with my bestie, he went with his friends and we would eventually meet up somewhere. I can't recall a weekend where she and I weren't together and then it happened. It was a Saturday, I spoke to her in the morning like everyday and we ended the conversation with call me later and we will figure out what we are going to do tonight. I began calling around 4:00 and didn't stop calling until 10:00. She wasn't home and her parents didn't know who she went with, they thought maybe her cousin.
I became 17 again and I remember that night, I remember the knot in my gut, my mind racing trying earnestly to figure out what I said or did that made her so mad, she would leave me. She had never done this, never. I remember crying, walking the house. I walked up to her house, the house was dark and I remember standing out front so scared, so lost, so hurt. I eventually had no choice but to go home and go to bed. I watched myself sob in my bed, as I remember this painful event. I remember thinking of walking the halls of the school by myself, having no one. I remember telling myself I would apologize over and over again to her when I saw her next, yet had no idea what I would be apologizing for, but I couldn't lose her.
The next day I called first thing, no one answered. I hung up and thought oh God I hope I don't have to go through this again all day, I didn't think I could do it. I was numb as the morning seemed to drag on. Finally the phone rang and she was on the other end. After we sat in silence for 20 minutes, she said in a very unemotional tone, I might as well tell you before someone else does, I was with your boyfriend last night and he just dropped me off. Now that's the story and while I could look at it and say how awful, no wonder I have trust issues, no wonder I have walls up, I was looking for the cause not the outcome. Hell I had been living the outcome for 30 plus years. So I allowed myself back in that hell and I realized that solidified in my mind that I was second best, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't worthy of something I desired and that is how I continued to live my life. Always wanting more, but never believing I deserved it. Believing I deserved to have what others told me I was worth.
It is what has made me so afraid of losing things in life, so I either run before someone can hurt me that bad again or I settle in my mind and heart, wishing for more, but allowing my negative thoughts to assure me I'll never have it, I can have seconds. You see that pain was never dealt with, I allowed those thoughts to consume me and then I locked them away to guide me through life.
After sitting with my "keys" I have unlocked that part in my life and realize there is more to the story and that I have the ability to re-write the ending. Yes I begged for her friendship and as trying as it was I continued to hang out with her for a few weeks yearning for it to go back to the way it was, even accepting and hanging with her and him (for two weeks-that's all it lasted). That is where the anger crept into my heart with the pain, because I still really liked him (or so I thought). Eventually, summer ended and it was time for me to go back to school (my best friend was a year older than me so she was out of school) and I was sitting in the house waiting for my mother so we could go school shopping when I looked outside and he was pulling into my driveway. It was 11:00 he didn't leave until 10:00 that evening. We dated from that day on for nine months. My friendship ended and never re-ignited.
I now have re-written the ending......I wasn't second best, I was enough, I was worthy, I could make it alone, I was strong. He didn't stay longer because he wasn't there for life he was there to teach me. While it sounds horrible and believe me living it was, I see I created it. I set it up all unknowing to me. I believed I was second best to her and he unwittingly validated that. I walked through it the best I could and tried to deal becoming stronger and determined not to live in her shadow anymore (that I believe was more out of anger and hurt), but whatever it was I began slowly believing in me, since I was all that was left and when I became more important to me, he came back to reassure me that I was worthy of what I want.
If I'm really honest I wasn't ever in love with him, but I was in love in the beginning of thinking maybe I wasn't second best to her. I didn't believe it enough, that is what brought about the betrayal. My new way of telling that story......I BELIEVE I am worthy of anything, I do not need to compare myself to others and I do believe in second chances, they may just be trying to teach YOU something.
THANK YOU FOR THE KEYS.
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