FORGIVENESS
How do you go about "fixing" things when you really screw up?
Are you a runner-hoping that with time it will fix itself.
Are you a gift giver-hoping that something material will make it better.
Do you find yourself sorry again and again for the same mistake?
Do you try to fix things with everyone BUT yourself-are you a people pleaser.
Forgiveness is truly the first step to releasing and moving forward, yet it can be one of the hardest things to do~especially forgiving ourselves. I've heard from many different people that the more they hold onto the shame of making a mistake, the more they believe they are getting what they deserve and by holding onto it in thought and actions, it will remind them to never repeat the mistake again. Oh how much time is being wasted by this philosophy.
Now don't get me wrong I have my own issues on forgiveness, I hold grudges~very unhealthy and self-defeating grudges. I beat myself up with unkind and disparaging words and thoughts about myself. I've never been a runner, totally the opposite I like to deal with things when they happen. Get it out, analyze the hell out of it, and move on. So while I was thinking about forgiveness and how I handle both sides of "screwing up" and being "shit on", I took a neutral spot and asked myself what I needed from others and what I needed to do to others..........
When someone has hurt me.
1. RESPONSIBILITY-this is a two-way street, but it is extremely important that the person take responsibility for their words, actions or lack of. The best way to stomp all over this one, by blaming others..I didn't want to hurt you (in reality you didn't want to get caught, if you didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't have done it), if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't have done that. Never use excuses when seeking my forgiveness, I will either tune you out or bite off your head!!
2. ACKNOWLEDGMENT-is huge. Everyone wants/needs to be acknowledged by others. To have someone who has hurt me whether intentionally or not, I yearn to know that I'm important enough (even by just being a human being) that the person acknowledges me.
3. I'M SORRY!-Anyone that knows me knows I despise these two words, I think they are the most worthless words in the dictionary went put together. Man up! See you saying sorry doesn't make everything okay, it doesn't fix the disappointment, hurt, pain etc that you have caused. Ask for my forgiveness-you hurt me the choice to forgive you is MINE.
4. LISTEN-if you hurt me and I'm important enough (which I am) for you to ask for my forgiveness, be prepared to give me your time and ear and hear me. I may need to let you know exactly how much you hurt me, it may be uncomfortable for you but if that is the case see #1.
5. LET IT GO-this goes for both of us!!. You seek my forgiveness, I give it. The issue is laid to rest and we move on from there.
When I hurt someone....
1. RESPONSIBILITY-this can be difficult as humans don't like to admit their mistakes, (funny egotistical little creatures we are). Taking responsibility for your actions actually help you to change. As Dr. Phil always says, you can't change something if you don't acknowledge it. So OWN your part (only your part). After I realize and own what I did I move on in the process.
2. FORGIVENESS OF SELF-So important, that the first step towards total forgiveness is for me to start with myself. I know I'm not perfect and my stubbornness, immaturity, etc. will make me do stupid things (I know hard for me to believe too).
3. ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS-this is one of the best parts for me. Since I have worked on the first two, by the time I get to this step, I can't wait to share my new found wisdom with the person I've hurt. First, I like to find out why I did what I did (WE ALL KNOW WHY WE HURT OTHERS-if you don't ask me I'll tell you). Knowing why I did what I did no matter how vain or childish allows me to really own it. I try to find ways to help me to NOT repeat it again or if I start to slip that I will catch myself and change. For I figure if I have to ask for forgiveness, I did something that I want changed in myself!
4. HEARING-I have to be able to allow the person I hurt, disappointed, etc to express those feelings to me in their entirety. I will not run or dismiss, but will listen and validate their feelings. I will use this step to reinforce my commitment to change.
5. LET IT GO-I ask for your forgiveness and I accept what you give!! It is done and I move on.
Forgiveness is key to happiness, but it is more than a word or a thought, forgiveness is also an action. Be sure that you can back up or words!!
Are you a runner-hoping that with time it will fix itself.
Are you a gift giver-hoping that something material will make it better.
Do you find yourself sorry again and again for the same mistake?
Do you try to fix things with everyone BUT yourself-are you a people pleaser.
Forgiveness is truly the first step to releasing and moving forward, yet it can be one of the hardest things to do~especially forgiving ourselves. I've heard from many different people that the more they hold onto the shame of making a mistake, the more they believe they are getting what they deserve and by holding onto it in thought and actions, it will remind them to never repeat the mistake again. Oh how much time is being wasted by this philosophy. Now don't get me wrong I have my own issues on forgiveness, I hold grudges~very unhealthy and self-defeating grudges. I beat myself up with unkind and disparaging words and thoughts about myself. I've never been a runner, totally the opposite I like to deal with things when they happen. Get it out, analyze the hell out of it, and move on. So while I was thinking about forgiveness and how I handle both sides of "screwing up" and being "shit on", I took a neutral spot and asked myself what I needed from others and what I needed to do to others..........
When someone has hurt me.
1. RESPONSIBILITY-this is a two-way street, but it is extremely important that the person take responsibility for their words, actions or lack of. The best way to stomp all over this one, by blaming others..I didn't want to hurt you (in reality you didn't want to get caught, if you didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't have done it), if you wouldn't do this I wouldn't have done that. Never use excuses when seeking my forgiveness, I will either tune you out or bite off your head!!
2. ACKNOWLEDGMENT-is huge. Everyone wants/needs to be acknowledged by others. To have someone who has hurt me whether intentionally or not, I yearn to know that I'm important enough (even by just being a human being) that the person acknowledges me.
3. I'M SORRY!-Anyone that knows me knows I despise these two words, I think they are the most worthless words in the dictionary went put together. Man up! See you saying sorry doesn't make everything okay, it doesn't fix the disappointment, hurt, pain etc that you have caused. Ask for my forgiveness-you hurt me the choice to forgive you is MINE.
4. LISTEN-if you hurt me and I'm important enough (which I am) for you to ask for my forgiveness, be prepared to give me your time and ear and hear me. I may need to let you know exactly how much you hurt me, it may be uncomfortable for you but if that is the case see #1.
5. LET IT GO-this goes for both of us!!. You seek my forgiveness, I give it. The issue is laid to rest and we move on from there.
When I hurt someone....
1. RESPONSIBILITY-this can be difficult as humans don't like to admit their mistakes, (funny egotistical little creatures we are). Taking responsibility for your actions actually help you to change. As Dr. Phil always says, you can't change something if you don't acknowledge it. So OWN your part (only your part). After I realize and own what I did I move on in the process.
2. FORGIVENESS OF SELF-So important, that the first step towards total forgiveness is for me to start with myself. I know I'm not perfect and my stubbornness, immaturity, etc. will make me do stupid things (I know hard for me to believe too).
3. ASKING FOR FORGIVENESS-this is one of the best parts for me. Since I have worked on the first two, by the time I get to this step, I can't wait to share my new found wisdom with the person I've hurt. First, I like to find out why I did what I did (WE ALL KNOW WHY WE HURT OTHERS-if you don't ask me I'll tell you). Knowing why I did what I did no matter how vain or childish allows me to really own it. I try to find ways to help me to NOT repeat it again or if I start to slip that I will catch myself and change. For I figure if I have to ask for forgiveness, I did something that I want changed in myself!
4. HEARING-I have to be able to allow the person I hurt, disappointed, etc to express those feelings to me in their entirety. I will not run or dismiss, but will listen and validate their feelings. I will use this step to reinforce my commitment to change.
5. LET IT GO-I ask for your forgiveness and I accept what you give!! It is done and I move on.
Forgiveness is key to happiness, but it is more than a word or a thought, forgiveness is also an action. Be sure that you can back up or words!!
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