PRIDE VS HUMILITY

Pride=a high or uncontrolled opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, 

whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

Humility=modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

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Pride is what I had-humility is what I needed.  Thank God I finally figured that out and took a huge dose of humility!!!  One of the most freeing and eye-opening experiences.  Humility, I found truly is a feeling!!

For years I struggled to be heard, to be recognized, and appreciated.  Little did I realize, I was looking for it on the outside.  I wanted others to recognize and appreciate me.  I wanted the outside world to hear me, so I talked and talked (haha still do), my voice and my words started getting louder and sharper, until eventually without me even realizing it, venom is basically all I spewed.  The more I searched for this on the outside (oh, let me clarify something here~I was heard and I was recognized and I was appreciated by others............but it wasn't enough) the more excuses I came up with on why I wasn't receiving it.

Hmmmmm.... tad bit confusing I'd say, I mean I just said I was searching for it, I received it, but it wasn't enough?  So what was I searching for, I mean if I was getting it, then why still search????  Because I could never hear, recognize, or appreciate it from others, because I never believed it, myself.  I, in turn, created Michelle the victim, the one that was always wronged by others.

When I look at the definition of pride, I see myself for the last 10-15 years----the high opinion of myself wasn't necessarily cherished in the mind, but displayed in bearing and conduct.  Because I didn't give myself the credit internally, I externalized it, by the words I spoke of myself, the goal in my mind at that time, everyone was out to get me and I was going to get them first.  My insecurities and self-doubt set me up (like most people) to either become vile or a doormat.  I became vile.  I participated in gossip, judgment, and self-defeating patterns, that eventually led me to where I am.  I fought and struggled with finding the key to why and what part of the ugliness was mine to own............and I finally found it. 

When the light bulb turned on, it was blinding, over-whelming, and oh, so appreciated.  I know now in my heart that I am not perfect and as much as I wanted to make the excuses, point the fingers and take partial responsibility for the role I had in such a tumultuous time in my life, as soon as I owned EVERYTHING that belonged to me, I figured out why I did what I did and accepted my role and my outcome.  No longer the victim, but yet the student that finally passed the test.  I am truly appreciative of this, for I believe that once you can really see yourself for who you are and what you contribute to situations that you are in, completely erasing the other players and focusing on yourself is when you truly have changed!!!!  

I will take humility over pride any day!!!