ATTITUDE

For years, many, many years I allowed ego to drive my life in such a negative way, yet I thought it was helping me, I understand now, it made for a very unhappy, unfulfilled life.  Sure, shit happened to me, just like everyone else, but I realize now, my behavior was learned.  I chose to live life the way I watched my father live life.  I mean he seemed strong, seemed independent, I sure thought he knew everything and his "selfish" attitude seemed to allow him to have everything in life he could want.  So I put the chip on my shoulder and allowed ego to guide me (YES, the spirit inside me screamed and called to me on a daily basis-but this time ego won).  Once I saw that ego could manipulate, that it could get me through life and I was actually getting things (by things I mean material) in my life, the ego only grew bigger.  I didn't realize then that when led by ego, the outside seems like a wonderland to others, yet your inside is hollow, empty and lonely.  The ego guided me right into self pity without me even realizing that is where I went.  Don't get me wrong I had "angels" in my life that were there to help me see how far I had gone off course, but the ease of being an asshole actually made me afraid of being good.  I had many opportunities to change my ways, yet I continued to trudge on in my self made hell.  When I felt bad or lonely, I could go buy myself a new shirt and for a brief second I was happy....or so I thought, again it is what I was taught.  When my dad was upset, he would buy a car--that would make him happy.  I know now that it didn't make him happy it made him feel "better" than others, superior, desirable, etc.  If only he and I knew then that it wasn't him that was desirable it was the car, maybe we would have turned inwards long ago.  This attitude made me so lonely even when surrounded by people (if you have ever felt this...it is a horrible feeling).  It also caused me to become paranoid and I justified my every action, "I was an asshole because you did this".  Those thoughts made it easier to become self indulgent and made it easier to turn off my regard for other's feelings-because when you live in fear and negativity you are so self absorbed you would rather see others suffer (with you). 

I have worked for many years on forgiving and allowing.  I think I really get it, for when you forgive another for hurting you, being cruel or mean, it doesn't make you a victim, it frees your soul from anothers inability to let go of their ego.  I can only say that this behavior of truly forgiving and seeking out and keeping those angels in my life have opened doors to opportunities that I have longed for and when I allow life to flow with gratitude and love things fall into place.  So to my earthbound angels, I thank you, to my ability to forgive and allow life to happen-I am grateful. 

Never forget the present moment is the only thing you are guaranteed in life.  I don't want to be living in a state of ego and negativity when the bread truck of life comes through and takes me out. For when it is time for me to go, death doesn't care what I'm driving.  Live life in gratitude and appreciation for every breath you take!!!! 

NEVER TAKE ANYONE FOR GRANTED!!!  They just may be your earthbound angel.