DO YOU DIG DEEP INSIDE?
I was asked yesterday..............I've messed up so badly...........how do I make it right? (The words were a little bit harsher, but you get the idea).
First thing I asked. What is it that you think you have done? Answer: Well I've hurt people, I've disappointed them, I've let them down. Answer: Okay, yes you have. Those are facts, glad to see you recognize them. I was interrupted with the following victim nonsense. "But I have been living in guilt, shame and punishing myself over and over because of it, yet nothing seems to change." Hmmmmm, I thought at first I was little put out because I had a great answer and I was cut off, but then the words of "feel sorry for me" started to settle in. (NO, I do not feel sorry for people that deliberately hurt others (especially those they profess to love). Even though I was part of that hurt, I knew it was more beneficial to everyone to not fall into the victim mode myself, but to stay focused. My response, "why did you choose to do what you did?" I was given the common answer (and one I hate to hear). I DON'T KNOW, do you think I like living like this? Well apparently you do, because you keep doing it..... why do I despise this answer? To me, when someone uses I don't know why I walked away, I don't know why I called you that name, I don't know why I lied, etc, etc. really says to me, I don't want to take the time or face responsibility so you just give me the answer and tell me how to change it. If you look hard enough and ask the tough questions (or ask me I'll help you ask the tough/ugly questions) and you're prepared for the answer even if it's embarrassing, selfish, non-loving etc. THEN you will be able to change. Otherwise you will continue to make poor choices and live in the "poor me" mode.
Most times you can gauge if the choice you are making is wrong, by looking at your behavior...are you standoffish? Are you becoming irritable? Are you pushing people away? Are you lying to cover up your deceitful actions? Are you looking to blame others? ~ you made me do this, you wanted me to be this person. Are you withdrawing and creating a "secret" life that isn't shared with people who care about you?
When you are ready to answer the hard questions and figure out that we treat others based on what is going on inside of us, you will be able to identify what the trigger/root of the issue is that causes you to continue to make the same poor choice over and over again. I have found once you own it, it is so easy to correct it and allow it to go.
It's a two way street though, you hurt someone, they don't understand why, they offer their hand or forgive you and try to help. For a moment you appreciate and you take a step forward. And given time it happens again..........and again...........and again. Each time, you see the other person taking longer and longer to offer their hand or you sense their "need" to rescue you just isn't as important anymore, until eventually you realize you have to rely on yourself. The other person needs to recognize your behavior, be willing to not take it on as their fault/responsibility and demand that you do the work............you see you are the only one that can correct it. Happiness isn't something you chase, it is something you find within.
I quickly became tired of listening to the excuses and said "If you really want to right your past, stop blaming others and ask yourself the real questions, otherwise you can continue to live punishing yourself."
Do you dig deep inside to find out why you make poor choices?
First thing I asked. What is it that you think you have done? Answer: Well I've hurt people, I've disappointed them, I've let them down. Answer: Okay, yes you have. Those are facts, glad to see you recognize them. I was interrupted with the following victim nonsense. "But I have been living in guilt, shame and punishing myself over and over because of it, yet nothing seems to change." Hmmmmm, I thought at first I was little put out because I had a great answer and I was cut off, but then the words of "feel sorry for me" started to settle in. (NO, I do not feel sorry for people that deliberately hurt others (especially those they profess to love). Even though I was part of that hurt, I knew it was more beneficial to everyone to not fall into the victim mode myself, but to stay focused. My response, "why did you choose to do what you did?" I was given the common answer (and one I hate to hear). I DON'T KNOW, do you think I like living like this? Well apparently you do, because you keep doing it..... why do I despise this answer? To me, when someone uses I don't know why I walked away, I don't know why I called you that name, I don't know why I lied, etc, etc. really says to me, I don't want to take the time or face responsibility so you just give me the answer and tell me how to change it. If you look hard enough and ask the tough questions (or ask me I'll help you ask the tough/ugly questions) and you're prepared for the answer even if it's embarrassing, selfish, non-loving etc. THEN you will be able to change. Otherwise you will continue to make poor choices and live in the "poor me" mode.
Most times you can gauge if the choice you are making is wrong, by looking at your behavior...are you standoffish? Are you becoming irritable? Are you pushing people away? Are you lying to cover up your deceitful actions? Are you looking to blame others? ~ you made me do this, you wanted me to be this person. Are you withdrawing and creating a "secret" life that isn't shared with people who care about you?
When you are ready to answer the hard questions and figure out that we treat others based on what is going on inside of us, you will be able to identify what the trigger/root of the issue is that causes you to continue to make the same poor choice over and over again. I have found once you own it, it is so easy to correct it and allow it to go.
It's a two way street though, you hurt someone, they don't understand why, they offer their hand or forgive you and try to help. For a moment you appreciate and you take a step forward. And given time it happens again..........and again...........and again. Each time, you see the other person taking longer and longer to offer their hand or you sense their "need" to rescue you just isn't as important anymore, until eventually you realize you have to rely on yourself. The other person needs to recognize your behavior, be willing to not take it on as their fault/responsibility and demand that you do the work............you see you are the only one that can correct it. Happiness isn't something you chase, it is something you find within.
I quickly became tired of listening to the excuses and said "If you really want to right your past, stop blaming others and ask yourself the real questions, otherwise you can continue to live punishing yourself."
Do you dig deep inside to find out why you make poor choices?
Comments
Post a Comment