RESPONSIBILITY!!!!
Adulthood is the opportunity to heal the wounds of childhood!!! I love this concept. I spoke in great lengths about this today with my mother. The "ah ha" moments were countless. The more we discussed the issues that we have dealt with as adults, the more we found the core of them stemmed from childhood beliefs. Being able to understand this enabled me to put a lot of unnecessary baggage away for good.
As I leave my job of 17 years, I knew it was beneficial to take full responsibility for any and all discomfort that I experienced. For the past seventeen years I laughed, cried, felt needed, felt disrespected, found friends, pushed others away, but most importantly I learned!!! I looked at relationships both good and bad that I had (mainly focused on the bad, as I don't want to have to re-learn the lesson again) and began to go back to my childhood. My biggest obstacle......my boss! Oh how I despised that man (funny thing he despised me just as much). He never gave me respect, treated me like a second class citizen and at times ignored me as though I wasn't in the room. I'm the type of person that usually would have given him the bird and quit a long time ago. But I didn't, I stuck it out for ten years, often asking myself why? I was smarter than that, I was stronger than that!! Why then did I stay and take his shit!! (Well let me completely honest here) I didn't give him respect, treated him poorly and ignored him as often as I could. Hmmmmm, didn't I just write that?!? So apparently, it was a hate/hate relationship without the possibility of one giving in. I, being the worker choose the martyr position, poor me. However, this trait allowed me to work harder as I had something to prove (to who? I'm not sure).
Anyway I think you get the gist of the my last ten years, so it was time to figure out why. Lo and behold if this didn't mimic my younger years and the battles I would have with my own father. Trying hard to stand up for myself, to be heard and to be seen as the individual I was and am!! Taking on every punishment, never backing down. I asked myself what was it that I wanted so much then that I didn't find with my father so I had to learn again with my boss?????? Hmmm, very good question, but with much soul searching and honesty, I found that I looked to both of them to give me my self worth. Being an alpha female, I didn't seem to need that approval from females, but oh, did I crave it from men. I was just as good if not better. So I figured out where this came from ~ now what do I do with it? How do I let it go? Easy!!! I realize that there was only ONE person that I needed the approval from-ME. I am worthy, I am good, I am honest, compassionate, caring and loving, I am all those things, I just needed to trust in me, for once I stopped the fight with my father, I saw through his eyes, his words and his actions, that he knew this all along, once I believed in me I could actually see that what I yearned for from him was there all along.
It was time to end the feud with my boss (how ironic, a week after I gave my letter of resignation, my boss announced his retirement) I think we were both tired of the fighting. Just yesterday I sent a message to my boss wishing him well and truly thanking him for allowing me to learn and believe even more so in me!!
As I leave my job of 17 years, I knew it was beneficial to take full responsibility for any and all discomfort that I experienced. For the past seventeen years I laughed, cried, felt needed, felt disrespected, found friends, pushed others away, but most importantly I learned!!! I looked at relationships both good and bad that I had (mainly focused on the bad, as I don't want to have to re-learn the lesson again) and began to go back to my childhood. My biggest obstacle......my boss! Oh how I despised that man (funny thing he despised me just as much). He never gave me respect, treated me like a second class citizen and at times ignored me as though I wasn't in the room. I'm the type of person that usually would have given him the bird and quit a long time ago. But I didn't, I stuck it out for ten years, often asking myself why? I was smarter than that, I was stronger than that!! Why then did I stay and take his shit!! (Well let me completely honest here) I didn't give him respect, treated him poorly and ignored him as often as I could. Hmmmmm, didn't I just write that?!? So apparently, it was a hate/hate relationship without the possibility of one giving in. I, being the worker choose the martyr position, poor me. However, this trait allowed me to work harder as I had something to prove (to who? I'm not sure).
Anyway I think you get the gist of the my last ten years, so it was time to figure out why. Lo and behold if this didn't mimic my younger years and the battles I would have with my own father. Trying hard to stand up for myself, to be heard and to be seen as the individual I was and am!! Taking on every punishment, never backing down. I asked myself what was it that I wanted so much then that I didn't find with my father so I had to learn again with my boss?????? Hmmm, very good question, but with much soul searching and honesty, I found that I looked to both of them to give me my self worth. Being an alpha female, I didn't seem to need that approval from females, but oh, did I crave it from men. I was just as good if not better. So I figured out where this came from ~ now what do I do with it? How do I let it go? Easy!!! I realize that there was only ONE person that I needed the approval from-ME. I am worthy, I am good, I am honest, compassionate, caring and loving, I am all those things, I just needed to trust in me, for once I stopped the fight with my father, I saw through his eyes, his words and his actions, that he knew this all along, once I believed in me I could actually see that what I yearned for from him was there all along.
It was time to end the feud with my boss (how ironic, a week after I gave my letter of resignation, my boss announced his retirement) I think we were both tired of the fighting. Just yesterday I sent a message to my boss wishing him well and truly thanking him for allowing me to learn and believe even more so in me!!
Are you ok? You know I love ya, let me know, my bff.;)
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