:( I'm Sorry :(
I'm Sorry.........Two words often said without meaning. So many times we feel if we say the words then the meaning is automatic. The meaning is expressing sympathy, pity or regret. While it is a start, it is definitely two words that I have found over the years really have no impact on me when said after someone has hurt me. I found that I would even flippantly use the word, sometimes just saying oh sorry, not even using I and taking responsibility. It was more like I was giving myself the "out" to exhibit bad manners or act careless. Almost as if sorry followed my action, then it excused my action and basically allowed me to repeat it.
I remember when that changed. My daughter came home late one night, as I was standing at the top of the stairs waiting (God I sound like my mother), she walked up to me and said I know I'm late, I'm sorry and walked past me. It was then I received my light bulb moment. How many times had I come home late from work and dismissed it with sorry as my family sat and wondered where I was, just to find I did it again and again. Eventually I didn't even say sorry anymore. I had taught her to do as you please but if it upsets someone say you're sorry and everything would be okay.
I went into her room and asked her what she was sorry for? As she looked at me dumbfounded, she said, uh for being late? (Like I had just asked the most stupid question ever). I wasn't mad anymore, I was actually in the process of learning and changing and I was excited to share with her. "Well I know that, I said, but instead of grounding you, how should I punish you?" "Well how about we let the first time slide?" she answered (she's always been pretty smart). However, I'm the mom and I'm much smarter. "Uh, no." I said ever so coolly. "Come on, mom at least let me have one mistake and if I do it again, then you can punish me." she piped up. She is a very wise grasshopper. I wasn't looking for I'm Sorry, I was looking for the one thing we all want, I wanted her to own what she did, see it as something she needed to change and tell me she would and then actually do it.
After that day, every time she made a mistake, she took the time to think about it, own it, and come up with a way to work on changing it. We both decided if you have to say sorry over and over then there must be something that just isn't working and possibly needs to change. Rarely do I say sorry, I now say, I messed up and this is how I'm going to work on changing it so I don't mess up again and hurt you. And then I REALLY DO TRY TO MAKE THE CHANGE, do you?
I remember when that changed. My daughter came home late one night, as I was standing at the top of the stairs waiting (God I sound like my mother), she walked up to me and said I know I'm late, I'm sorry and walked past me. It was then I received my light bulb moment. How many times had I come home late from work and dismissed it with sorry as my family sat and wondered where I was, just to find I did it again and again. Eventually I didn't even say sorry anymore. I had taught her to do as you please but if it upsets someone say you're sorry and everything would be okay.
I went into her room and asked her what she was sorry for? As she looked at me dumbfounded, she said, uh for being late? (Like I had just asked the most stupid question ever). I wasn't mad anymore, I was actually in the process of learning and changing and I was excited to share with her. "Well I know that, I said, but instead of grounding you, how should I punish you?" "Well how about we let the first time slide?" she answered (she's always been pretty smart). However, I'm the mom and I'm much smarter. "Uh, no." I said ever so coolly. "Come on, mom at least let me have one mistake and if I do it again, then you can punish me." she piped up. She is a very wise grasshopper. I wasn't looking for I'm Sorry, I was looking for the one thing we all want, I wanted her to own what she did, see it as something she needed to change and tell me she would and then actually do it.
After that day, every time she made a mistake, she took the time to think about it, own it, and come up with a way to work on changing it. We both decided if you have to say sorry over and over then there must be something that just isn't working and possibly needs to change. Rarely do I say sorry, I now say, I messed up and this is how I'm going to work on changing it so I don't mess up again and hurt you. And then I REALLY DO TRY TO MAKE THE CHANGE, do you?
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